Threefold Purification of the Precepts (Sīla) #3: Not Sexually misbehaving (Protecting and respecting your own relationships and those of others) — Veḷudvāreyya Sutta (SN 55.7)

4. Kāmesumicchācāra — Abstaining from Sexual Misconduct

4.1 Puna caparaṃ, gahapatayo, ariyasāvako iti paṭisañcikkhati:

Furthermore, householders, the noble disciple reflects in this way:

• The Buddha continues the same method of wise reflection (paṭisañcikkhā), now applying it to sexual conduct and relationships.

4.2 Yo kho me dāresu cārittaṃ āpajjeyya, na metaṃ assa piyaṃ manāpaṃ.

If someone were to engage in sexual misconduct with my partner, that would not be pleasing or agreeable to me.

• The disciple begins by considering his/her own feelings. He/she recognizes that having someone violate the boundaries of his/her intimate relationship would be deeply unpleasant and unacceptable.

4.3 Ahañceva kho pana parassa dāresu cārittaṃ āpajjeyyaṃ, parassapi taṃ assa appiyaṃ amanāpaṃ.

And if I were to engage in sexual misconduct with another person's partner, that would likewise be unpleasant and disagreeable to that person.

• He then applies the same principle to others. What I would regard as a violation of my relationship, another person would likewise regard as a violation of theirs.

4.4 Yo kho myāyaṃ dhammo appiyo amanāpo, parassa peso dhammo appiyo amanāpo.

Whatever is unpleasant and disagreeable to me is likewise unpleasant and disagreeable to another.

• This establishes the principle of ethical reciprocity. The disciple recognizes that other people have the same capacity to experience hurt, betrayal, and distress as he does.

4.5 Yo kho myāyaṃ dhammo appiyo amanāpo, kathāhaṃ paraṃ tena saṃyojeyyan’ti.

Whatever is unpleasant and disagreeable to me, how could I inflict that same thing upon another?

• The reflection becomes a moral question: if I would not want another person to violate my relationship, how could I do the same to someone else?

4.6 So iti paṭisaṅkhāya attanā ca kāmesumicchācārā paṭivirato hoti, parañca kāmesumicchācārā veramaṇiyā samādapeti, kāmesumicchācārā veramaṇiyā ca vaṇṇaṃ bhāsati.

Having reflected in this way, he himself abstains from sexual misconduct, encourages others to abstain from sexual misconduct, and speaks in praise of abstaining from sexual misconduct.

• The reflection produces three levels of ethical conduct:

1. Personal restraint — he/she abstains from sexual misconduct.
2. Encouraging others — he/she encourages others to abstain from sexual misconduct.
3. Praising the virtue — he/she speaks in praise of sexual restraint.

The emphasis is therefore not merely on controlling desire, but on respecting the boundaries, trust, and well-being of others.

4.7 Evamassāyaṃ kāyasamācāro tikoṭiparisuddho hoti.

In this way, his/her bodily conduct becomes purified in three respects.

• His bodily conduct becomes threefold pure (tikoṭiparisuddho) through personal restraint, encouraging others to practise restraint, and praising the value of abstaining from sexual misconduct.

Further Notes

1. I personally abstain from sexual misconduct

• I respect the boundaries of others. — I do not touch or behave sexually toward anyone other than my partner. If I am unmarried, I do not engage in sexual behavior with anyone without their consent.

•  I remain faithful to my partner. — I avoid sexual or romantic involvement outside my committed relationship.

• I avoid pressuring someone into sexual activity. — I respect my partner’s consent. If I am single and not in a committed relationship, I engage in sexual activity only within a proper and respectful relationship, rather than casually with multiple people.

• I avoid inappropriate sexual messages. — I do not send unwanted sexual texts, photos, or comments to others, and I keep intimate communication and interactions within a committed and respectful relationship.

•  I avoid exploiting someone’s vulnerability. — I do not use power, money, authority, or trust to obtain sexual favors. I keep sexual intimacy only with my partner and do not take advantage of others.

•  I behave appropriately in relationships. — I maintain respectful boundaries with friends, students, colleagues, and others. I remain faithful to my partner and respect the relationships and boundaries of others.

2. I encourage others to abstain from sexual misconduct

• I advise a friend to respect their partner’s boundaries. — I encourage healthy and respectful relationships.

• I discourage unwanted sexual jokes or comments. — I remind others that such behavior can hurt or disrespect people.

• I encourage faithfulness in relationships. — I explain the harm caused by betrayal and dishonesty.

• I advise someone not to pressure their partner. — I encourage them to respect consent.

• I discourage sharing intimate photos without permission. — I remind others to respect privacy.

• I encourage respectful behavior at work or school. — I advise others to maintain proper boundaries with colleagues and students.

3. I praise and promote the value of sexual restraint/proper conduct

• I praise faithfulness. — I say that being loyal builds trust in relationships.

• I praise respect for consent. — I emphasize that everyone has the right to make their own choices.

• I praise self-control. — I recognize the value of not acting on every sexual desire.

• I praise respectful relationships. — I encourage relationships based on trust, care, and responsibility.

• I praise people who maintain appropriate boundaries. — I recognize their consideration for others.

• I praise responsible sexual conduct. — I explain that proper conduct protects oneself and others from suffering and conflict.