140 (Day) Threefold Purification of the Precepts (Sīla) #6: Not Hurting Others Verbally : Veḷudvāreyya Sutta (SN 55.7)| Study Notes from BMV Monday Sutta Study with Bhante Dr. G. Chandima

7. Pharusavācā — Abstaining from Harsh Speech

7.1 Puna caparaṃ, gahapatayo, ariyasāvako iti paṭisañcikkhati:

Furthermore, householders, the noble disciple reflects in this way:

• The noble disciple continues the same practice of wise reflection (paṭisañcikkhati), now applying it to harsh or abusive speech (pharusā vācā).

7.2 Yo kho maṃ pharusāya vācāya samudācareyya, na metaṃ assa piyaṃ manāpaṃ.

If someone were to address or speak to me with harsh speech, that would not be pleasing or agreeable to me.

• The disciple begins with his own experience. He recognizes that being spoken to harshly, rudely, or abusively is unpleasant.

7.3 Ahañceva kho pana paraṃ pharusāya vācāya samudācareyyaṃ, parassapi taṃ assa appiyaṃ amanāpaṃ.

And if I were to address or speak to another person with harsh speech, that would likewise be unpleasant and disagreeable to that person.

• The reflection is then extended to another person. If I dislike being spoken to harshly, I should recognize that another person likewise dislikes being treated in that way.

7.4 Yo kho myāyaṃ dhammo appiyo amanāpo, parassa peso dhammo appiyo amanāpo.

Whatever is unpleasant and disagreeable to me is likewise unpleasant and disagreeable to another.

• This establishes the principle of ethical reciprocity. Other people are also sensitive to hurtful and disrespectful speech.

7.5 Yo kho myāyaṃ dhammo appiyo amanāpo, kathāhaṃ paraṃ tena saṃyojeyyan’ti.

Whatever is unpleasant and disagreeable to me, how could I inflict that same thing upon another?

• The disciple turns the reflection into a moral question: if I do not want to be hurt by harsh words, how could I deliberately speak harshly to someone else?

7.6 So iti paṭisaṅkhāya attanā ca pharusāya vācāya paṭivirato hoti, parañca pharusāya vācāya veramaṇiyā samādapeti, pharusāya vācāya veramaṇiyā ca vaṇṇaṃ bhāsati.

Having reflected in this way, he himself abstains from harsh speech, encourages others to abstain from harsh speech, and speaks in praise of abstaining from harsh speech.

• As in the previous sections, the reflection produces three levels of ethical practice:

1. Personal restraint — He/she abstains from harsh speech.
2. Encouraging others — He/she encourages others to abstain from harsh speech.
3. Praising the virtue — He/she speaks in praise of avoiding harsh speech.

The emphasis is therefore not simply on “not using bad words.” It is on developing speech that does not unnecessarily hurt, humiliate, intimidate, or provoke others.

7.7 Evamassāyaṃ vacīsamācāro tikoṭiparisuddho hoti.

In this way, his verbal conduct becomes purified in three respects.

• His verbal conduct (vacīsamācāra) becomes threefold pure through personal restraint, encouraging others to practise restraint, and praising the value of avoiding harsh speech.

Further Notes

1. I abstain from harsh speech

Personally avoiding harsh or hurtful words

• When someone is late: Instead of saying, “You never care about other people’s time,” saying, “I was waiting for you; please let me know next time if you are delayed.”

• When receiving poor service: Calmly explaining the problem to a waiter or staff member instead of insulting or shouting at them.

• When someone disagrees: Saying, “I understand that you see it differently,” rather than, “You don't know what you're talking about.”

• When correcting a colleague: Pointing out the mistake privately and respectfully instead of embarrassing the person in front of others.

• When driving: Not shouting insults or making abusive gestures at another driver who cuts you off.

• When someone disappoints you: Explaining your feelings honestly without deliberately saying something you know will hurt the person's feelings.

2. I encourage others to abstain from harsh speech

Helping other people develop the same practice

• When two friends are arguing: Saying, “Let's give each other a chance to speak without using insulting words.”

• When someone is gossiping angrily: Saying, “Maybe we can talk about the situation without attacking the person.”

• When a parent is angry with a child: Gently suggesting, “Perhaps explain what the child did wrong rather than calling the child names.”

• In a classroom: Encouraging students to challenge ideas respectfully rather than making personal comments about their classmates.

• In a meeting: Saying, “Let's keep our criticism focused on the proposal, not on the person who made it.”

• With someone who frequently complains: Encouraging them to express their dissatisfaction firmly but without abusive language.

3. I speak in praise of avoiding harsh speech

Expressing appreciation for the value of gentle and respectful speech

• About a teacher: “She corrects students firmly, but she never humiliates them. That is a wonderful quality.”

• About a leader: “Even when he is under pressure, he speaks respectfully to everyone.”

• About a family member: “I appreciate that you can tell me something difficult without hurting me.”

• About conflict resolution: “It is admirable when people can settle disagreements without exchanging insults.”

• About social media: “I respect people who can express strong opinions without attacking those who disagree.”

• As a general principle: “Speaking truthfully without deliberately hurting another person is a sign of maturity and self-control.”

4. Some Early Buddhist Stories of Harsh Speech and Its Karmic Consequences

Petavatthu 35: Those who insult those who venerate relics are said to be reborn in hell. They also suffer from foul-smelling breath, and a group of other petas slices their mouths with knives (Read the Dhātuvivaṇṇa Peta story).

Dhammapada 133/134: When you hurt someone with your words, the pain may remain with them for a long time. Therefore, do not speak in ways that hurt others. Learn how emotional pain arises and how to prevent it (Read the story of Monk Koṇḍadhāna).

Dhammapada 3/4: The Buddha also teaches us how to respond when someone speaks harshly to us. He advises us not to hold on to resentment but to learn to let it go, recognizing that blame and criticism are sometimes unavoidable (Read the story of Monk Tissa.).

Dhammapada 227/228/229/230: Everyone faces blame at some point in life. People blame those who remain silent, those who speak too much, and even those who speak little. There is no one in this world who escapes blame (Read the story of Atula Upāsaka).

Nandivisāla Jātaka 28 : A brahmin raised a bull named Nandivisāla with great care and love. When the bull offered to help him win a bet by pulling 100 loaded carts, the brahmin insulted him, causing the bull to refuse to move. The brahmin lost the bet, but the bull agreed to try again if he was treated with kind words. This time, the bull successfully pulled all 100 carts, teaching the lesson that kind words bring better results than harsh speech (Read the story of Nandivisāla). 

5. Habits of hurtful speech

• The mind becomes trained to notice what is wrong rather than what is going well.

• "I'm just being honest” can become a habit of saying painful things

• Volume and force can become habitual ways of gaining control rather than communicating.

• Every time anger is expressed through harsh words, the person may become more accustomed to using anger as a communication strategy.

• Harmless joking can become a pattern of embarrassing or putting others down.

• A person gradually becomes unable to tolerate mistakes, delays, questions, or disagreement

• Instead of explaining one's position, the person begins attacking the other person's character.

• The conversation begins about an issue but eventually becomes about “what kind of person you are.”

• Talking about others' faults occasionally can develop into a regular way of connecting with people.

• Comparing people can gradually develop into a habit of looking down on those who are considered less successful, intelligent, attractive, or capable.

6  Eleven Different Ways People Hurt Others Through Speech

• Verbal Insults and Personal Attacks (Directly attacking another person's intelligence, appearance, abilities, or character.)

Examples:

-You are so stupid!
-You never do anything right.
-You are useless.

• Sarcasm and Mockery (Using sarcastic remarks to ridicule or embarrass someone, often under the pretence of humour).

• Public Humiliation (Using words to embarrass someone in front of friends, colleagues, students, or family members.)

Examples:

-Pointing out someone's mistake in front of a large group to make them look incompetent.
-Making jokes about someone's personal weaknesses during a gathering.
-Deliberately exposing someone's embarrassing experience in public.

• Hurtful Comments Disguised as Advice (Giving unsolicited advice in a way that makes another person feel inadequate.)

Examples:

-At your age, you should know better.
-Let me teach you how intelligent people do things.
-I am telling you this for your own good because you clearly don't understand.

• Body Shaming and Appearance-Based Insults

Examples:

- You have become so fat.

-Why do you look so old?
-You would look better if you changed your face.

• Comparisons That Make People Feel Inferior (Comparing someone unfavourably with siblings, colleagues, friends, or other people.)

Examples:

-Why can't you be like your brother?
-Everyone else is more successful than you.
-Look at what she has achieved. What have you done?

• Dismissing or Invalidating Someone's Feelings (Rejecting another person's emotional experience instead of trying to understand it.)

Examples:

-You are too sensitive.
-You are making a big deal out of nothing.
-Why are you always so emotional?
-Just get over it!

•  Gaslighting and Manipulative Speech
• Hurtful Speech Through Social Media (Cyberbullying and Public Shaming on Social Media)

Examples:

-Sending insulting messages during an argument.
-Writing "Whatever!" or "I don't care about you" to dismiss someone.
-Sending repeated accusatory messages.
-Using capital letters to express hostility: "YOU NEVER LISTEN!"
-Ending a conversation with deliberately contemptuous remarks.

• Passive-Aggressive Remarks (Expressing hostility indirectly through apparently innocent comments.)

Examples:

-It's fine. I expected nothing better from you.
-Don't worry. I will do everything myself, as usual.
-Some people are just naturally irresponsible.

• Weaponising Personal Secrets and Vulnerabilities (Using information someone shared in confidence to hurt them during a disagreement.)

Examples:

-Revealing a private confession to win an argument.
-Saying, "No wonder your previous relationship failed!

7. Consequences of Harsh Speech

For the speaker

• Cultivates anger
• Strengthens unwholesome mental states
• Makes harsh speech a habit
• Disturbs one's own peace of mind
• Strengthens impulsiveness
• Produces remorse

For the victim/listener

• Causes emotional pain
• Creates anger in return
• Creates resentment
• Lowers self-worth
• Creates fear or insecurity
• May cause withdrawal

Overall consequences

• Creates conflict
• Damages relationships
• Creates a cycle of hostility
• Reduces harmony
• Makes reconciliation more difficult
• Spreads suffering